[14 Jan 2006|01:46am] I have no idea what to say but I desperately want to say something. *sigh* Maybe that's all I can say. But that's not saying anything at all. A sigh holds so many words in one breath. I feel like sighing though. Constantly. That's how I feel, like a sigh. Not being able to say anything to anyone but saying everything to yourself. I feel like no one wants to hear it anymore. Many it's just that I don't want to say anymore. I don't want to have to explain myself. I don't want him to, but I know he will. That's what's bothering me so much. Why is it always one person? One person that you care about so incredibly much. I care about him so much, and it doesn't matter. He'll do it anyway because now he doesn't realize. Now that this has happened. As an update, we're still not talking. I miss him so much. I need to stop caring. I don't even like him anymore. I like who he used to be and who he still could be. If he didn't care about the world watching him. If he could just be himself. Actually, the only time I've really liked him was when only we were together, or when he didn't care about the people around him judging him. It needs to end or completely change. And I need to learn how to be myself and not care as well. Mine's a different way though. I don't find myself better then others. On the contrary, I find myself not good enough. post comment

[15 Dec 2005|10:47pm] I'll seriously never be good enough for you, will I? post comment

[26 Nov 2005|07:48pm] I like being me today. And he's still being weird. But I just don't think about it. post comment

[11 Nov 2005|11:49am] Where do you go when nothing else matters? Where do you go when the only place you've ever loved is ripped from you? Where do you go when you're banished from home? ( POEM TIME! ) 3 comments|post comment

[05 Nov 2005|09:43pm] [ mood | indescribable ] ( In a cut, so you don't have to read it ) 4 comments|post comment

[11 Oct 2005|09:39pm] I like hugs. Real hugs. Where people actually hold onto you as if they enjoy you being there with them. As if they really care about you. 2 comments|post comment

[11 Oct 2005|09:20pm] [ mood | disappointed ] Stupid question time! Ever do something that you've always told yourself you wouldn't, and then you're extremely dissapointed with yourself? Then you dwell on it and make yourself feel horrible and sick and depressed? And it wouldn't even be a big deal to just about anyone else, except yourself? My friend asked me why I was depressed all day. If I told him, he wouldn't think it was that big of a deal. At all. And he knows what I would be talking about, since I did it with him. And here's where I start to sound stupid: I said no though. Tons of times. But he's very persistent, so I was just like, "Fine, do whatever the hell you want." I kinda wanted it to happen anyway. Well, I really wanted it to, but not in that way. I don't want it to be fake. I don't want to be the friend while he's the one getting all the benefits. I'm in love with the guy, and I have to act like it doesn't bother me that he just sees me as a really good friend. Although at times I wonder if he could actually like me. Well, that's silly, he's flat out told me he's thought about that and probably would if I weren't so self-conscious. Damn me and my self-consciousness. That's the one thing I always get in trouble for. Or, you could say, is my weakness. But you don't care. Why am I rambling on about this? Because I have no one else to tell, so a computer screen will have to do. 5 comments|post comment

[27 Sep 2005|03:24pm] [ mood | crushed ] I stole this from Dominar_Rygel. Wow. It really does work for me as well. I now love this quiz. <3 This+is+me took the free ColorQuiz.com personality test! "Seeks the determination and elasticity of will nec..." Click here to read the rest of the results. post comment

[12 Sep 2005|03:18pm] Does it really matter? Does it matter to you what I think? Would it make any difference if I said I liked something? Would it make you want to do/wear/say/see it more? Or would you look at me with that look you reserve for the ones you cannot stand but are forced to? Would you rather I kept my thoughts to myself? Act like I didn't notice that you wore your hair differently today. It looks nice, did you know that? You should wear it like that more often. Or would that make you never have it like that again? You mean the world to me. Do I mean anything to you? What the fuck is it with falling for best friends? Well...for me anyway. I seem to be a sucker for them, but wouldn't that be the best candidate for a girl/boyfriend? Someone you already have an extremely strong bond with. Someone you know cares about your opinions and you care about theirs. You know when you're joking and when you're kidding. You know exactly how to make their day just a little more special, or how to make them smile when they want to cry. Did you notice I couldn't take my eyes off of you? post comment

[06 Sep 2005|04:54pm] Is it really worth it? 2 comments|post comment

Stupid, Crappy, Poem Thing.... [09 Aug 2005|10:15pm] I know You've fallen and you've faltered You've been ripped apart By careless hands, Taken for granted Used, when you should have been loved Been held close to the one Who should never hurt you The one who hurts you the most I can't go any further You know you can't look back You can't stop now You've gone this far Trust your instincts Listen to your battered heart Just please don't let me down Close your eyes Take a deep breath And jump Jump into my open arms I promise I won't let you down I can't let you fall, I'd fall for you But I'm not worth it, I can't... You're worth more Than every precious thing This earth has to offer You have to trust me Please... You must see I've been standing here Arms wide open all along Just waiting for you to jump Waiting for you to see I know where you've been I've been there, too I just want to show you How it should be for you Please, you must see Jump to me 2 comments|post comment

[04 Aug 2005|03:14pm] Have you ever looked up and seen all the clouds or walked through fog and wished that you could just go up and play in it? Or been on an airplane and looked down at the white sea below you and wanted to jump out the window and engulf yourself in its purity? Before you come to the annoying realization that you'd fall through, and you're up too high so just breathing would be quite the difficulty. I was recently on a plain and it looked like low fog over water with icebergs peaking up. It was so beautiful, I wished I could somehow be a part of it. I hate having to lie to people, or act completely opposite of how I would really act among trusted friends. It makes me think that I'm not good enough to just act myself. I've tried though, and then I get yelled at, so it's just better to keep quite, or act how you would want me to. And I don't want to think that I'm wrong. I don't want to be told I'm crazy for loving you. I already know I am, and I never asked for it. Don't you think I'd stop if I could? I've tried many times. I've told myself that I only like you as a friend, but it doesn't work. Why is that always my problem? Always falling in love with my best friends. Oh well, just have to go on pretending I'm not. post comment

[03 Aug 2005|02:04pm] What do you do when the world comes falling down around you? Raining tar from the black clouds like big, filthy tears. Covering you where it washes off of everyone else. As if marking you. Showing the world that it's you, you're the one causing all of this, you're the one who's dirty, disgusting, unclean, and unworthy of anything asked. You're the one causing the mess. Stop it, little girl, don't look at me in such a condescending manner. I am your elder, with more knowledge and wisdom, more life experience under my too-cool belt. Don't look at me as if you see nothing. Do not look through me, I will not have that of you. You can not understand the things I've seen. The horrors of the night. The reasons I am as I am. You are still young and innocent, although innocence is being snatched away all too quickly, little girl. Hold onto it with all your strength. Never let go. Don't let them steal it away from you. You need it to survive. I used to have a love, but it ran away. It formed a new and better life, with ones better than I am. It left me to wait in the past. Never moving forward, but restricted from the past. I live each day just going forward, if you could call it that. I do not move at all, grow or strengthen. I cannot, you see, little girl. You know that story where the man sells his soul to the devil? Well, let's just say I sold mine, little girl. To the wrong man, indeed. With black eyes and a smooth voice, knowing exactly what to say to win a girl's heart and mind. Do not let yourself fall into the trap, little girl. For it is a long way down, and the walls are smooth and unable to climb. Once down you can never climb out. Don't allow yourself to become nothing, for you see, you're not even really talking to me. I am not even here. So, I'll probably not have too many real entries. Just writing down whatever I feel like, when I feel like it, and I can actually write it and post it, since you don't know me, so I feel no reason to not post it. I know that what I write is crappy and stuff, so don't think I think I'm good, or anything. I just write. post comment

[02 Aug 2005|10:03pm] And you know that there's something to be said for all of this. As you sit in your little corner and pretend to not notice me standing right behind you, watching you cut it up. You turn around. Act shocked to see me. You knew I was there, for you wanted me to come. You've been waiting for this the whole time. For me to finally see who you really are. Well, I see now. What's stopping you? My heart cries out for the one who has everything but nothing. Such a cliche, no? Maybe it's me who has nothing, and my heart is crying out not for him but for myself. Ha. Just a spoiled, selfish child then. No one would be surprised. That's what I'm supposed to be, isn't it? The one that doesn't give a damn about anyone else but themself. Mmhmm. Makes perfect sense except for the fact that I hate myself more than you could even realize, you snide little bitch. Go on and look at me with that perfectly plastered on face and that beautifully primped hair. Tell me how I'm the selfish one with no feelings, no emotions. You wouldn't know the half of it, darling, would you like me to read it for you? post comment

Good Morning Livejournal! [30 Jul 2005|02:40am] This is my first entry. Ah. I feel...well, I'm not sure what exactly. When I'm a little more established I might be able to understand my moods easier. I'll just be browsing now, and trying to meet new people who seem interesting to me. I know many people have friends only journals, so if I friend you, it's because (obviously) I seem to be under the impression that I might enjoy your journal. I'm not sure if that's a good thing, or a bad thing. You can decide I believe. (Yay, we all have minds!) I'm not sure how much I'll be posting. It'll depend on if I believe any of my experiences are worthy of bothering your ever busy day, and if I have the opportunity to actually post. Right now I must be off though. Much love. <3 post comment

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